


No More

by MadasaMoriarty



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Could Be Canon, Dreams, Dreams and Nightmares, Eleven Is Poor And Adorable, Emotions, F/M, First Kiss, Fix-It, For Me, Gen, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Interfering TARDIS, Meddling TARDIS, Possible Out of Character, Reunions, Tags Are Hard, Time Travel Fix-It, but it isn't, proud of this, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-21 20:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2481194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadasaMoriarty/pseuds/MadasaMoriarty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor finds Rose wandering the Tardis and it's a dream come true. Or is it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am super proud of this. I don't know why... I hope you like it!

_ 'Don't be alone Doctor.' _

The Doctor stared at the crinkled page clutched in his hand. Unfolded for the umpteenth time in the last two hours. Staring at those words, reading them over again and again. 'Don't be alone...' If she knew what she was asking... if she knew the pain her words would inflict, would she have written them anyway? Yes. They all did. All of them. It was a command that seemed to echo through his life. 'Don't be alone. Find someone. You need someone with you.' They were all the same, and everyone told him, no matter how well they knew him, no matter for how long, the demand was the same. Don't be alone.

What if he wanted to be alone? Shouldn't he get a say? It was his life wasn't it? He actually chuckled a bit at that, despite the empty place in his chest. Because it wasn't, really... He'd never had much say, there was always someone or something telling him what to do, telling him how things should go. Oh he put up a good bluff. 'I'm the Doctor I'm in charge of the universe.' Ha! More like the universe was in charge of him. Always had been. His life was ruled by circumstance, the circumstance of the universe. He'd never really decided anything had he? It had all been circumstance. Showing up at a certain time, in a certain place, meeting a certain person, hearing a certain bit of chatter.

He'd made a show of trying to control things, tried to stay away from people and their feelings and 'domestics', tried not to marry River, tried to rewrite history for the good of everyone. He'd been stumped every time. It made him wonder sometimes what he'd done to get the universe to hate him. And then he'd remember. 'Oh, that's right. I killed the Time Lords...'

He heard the Tardis thrum at him, trying to wake him up, trying to entice him to go to places and times he'd already been four times at least. She rolled out tables of fish fingers and custard, entreating him to eat, which usually meant he'd been sitting for a few days without moving... for a Lord of Time it had a funny way of getting away from him. He supposed he ought to eat something... if only for the sake of appeasing his old ship...he lurched upright, swaying over to the offering of food. But... he just... didn't want to eat... wasn't in the mood for fish fingers, didn't want to sit through the memories their taste would stir. Didn't want to think of a dingy little table strewn with bread and cold bacon, sitting across from a little girl and her tub of ice cream. Or being sandwiched between a warm and familiar pair of bodies on a comfortable couch chatting about yorkshire pudding and days way past.

He didn't really want to think of anything, to be honest. Not the past, not the future, his friends or his enemies, or all the things he'd suffered from because of them. He wanted...for this moment, just this one moment as long as the universe would allow him, to be happy. To think of happy things and not have to hide behind frivolous thoughts, not have to wear the mask he put on for everyone, including himself. He wanted to have memories that didn't burn through his chest with every careless revisiting. Wanted to be able to hum or whistle without using it as a shield against his own heartache.

He wanted to feel like he had nine hundred years ago, back when he'd taken Susan to school and meeting Ian and Barbra had been strange and forbidden and sharing the universe with humans was new and exciting and didn't promise to end with pain and loss. Wanted to go back to the end of the war and die with the rest of his people like he should have... wanted to sod off and leave the universe to fend for itself. But he couldn't. He knew he couldn't. Not only would the universe forbid it, but so would the guilt... and the people he would think of as he let the world burn.

It was about then that he noticed that he'd been wandering. He had a habit of doing that he noticed, when he was thinking too hard... and unfortunately he'd wandered to a place he'd been avoiding for the last three centuries. A place he'd thought the Tardis had hidden from him for good after the first six months, after he'd told Rose good bye. He folded himself around the pain that erupted in his chest at the thought of her. Tears flowed instantly down his cheeks at the memory of her good bye, her choice, each gasp of breath sent new flutterings of pain through his arms, his fingers, the very tips of his toes.

Rose. His Rose Tyler. Except she wasn't, had never been. Even then the universe was conspiring against him. Even then Canary Wharf and Bad Wolf Bay were waiting unseen in his future. He ran a hand down the door, imagining the scent of Rose Tyler still lingered on the wood. Imagined that she was sleeping in there, tangled in her sheets, exhausted after a good adventure. Imagined, for a fraction of a moment, that he was a happier man decked out in pinstripes and trainers, that Pete's world was nothing but a world beyond the void and not the final resting place of his centre of gravity. His Rose Tyler. Imagined for that moment, that she was his Rose Tyler, that the universe was going to leave her for him, give him their forever together, give him the time to work up to the words that really would have saved his life. He squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his forehead against the door, imagining for a moment that she could hear him, that it wasn't too late.

"I love you Rose Tyler." he drew in a long breath, holding himself tighter against the wood. "I love you." he could taste the salt of his own tears against his lips as he tried to pull away, tried to let go, again, and fade back into the madman he was supposed to be. But he couldn't. His hand had fastened to the knob and wouldn't let go. He'd told Amelia Pond that he had never had cravings before...rule one. How often had he craved Rose Tyler? Craved her touch, her smell, some small taste of her pink lips, craved the very sight of her? Even now. Standing outside a room that hadn't been opened for longer than his eleventh body had been alive he yearned for her. Yearned for the feel of her hand in his, the pressure of her body against his chest as they held each other, that glorious musical sound of her laugh as they ran together through the dangers of distant worlds. More than anything he yearned to bring his lips down against hers, as he had never allowed himself, and revel in the sensation of her mouth on his as his hands tangled in hair that was softer than the silks of Persia, and he whispered a litany of hidden feelings, told her everything he ever should have in a deluge of desperate words. How he needed her, treasured her, worshipped her, how he loved her more then the universe!

The creaking of the door as it opened slowly brought him from his regretful longings and he stared teary eyed at what had once been his second favorite place in all the known galaxies, aside from the console room itself, Rose Tyler's bedroom.

It looked exactly as it had after the battle of Canary Wharf, after he'd lost her the first time. Laundry thrown over the bed posts and scattered across the floor, her blankets rumpled, pillows crooked, a book lying open on top of them, magazines spilling from under the bed. His feet made no sound as he drifted further into the room. Posters of twentieth century pop stars covered the majority of the walls, the cupboards were open on the entertainment centre, the DVD screen saver still going, an empty plastic case lying open and empty atop the radio. The loo door stood gaping, a long evening dress hanging down it's front, tiny sequins flashing.  _ That's right. He'd promised her a fancy dinner that night. Promised to take her dancing on Venus during the migration of the Venusion Fire Bird. Promised she could wear her heels because nothing would go wrong. No running, no enemies, just the two of them, a few flutes of Venusion champagne, the open sky, stars, and the flashing gossamer colors of the Fire Birds in wing.  _ He shook his head, running a hand through his drying eyes, just another in a long line of broken promises. Just another Barcelona.

"Rose... oh, Rose, I was going to show you so much." he turned beseeching eyes to the ceiling, though what he was asking for he couldn't be sure. He stumbled to the bed, kicking free of his shoes and tearing away his tweed and bow tie, suddenly feeling more exhausted than he had in twelve hundred years. He curled into a ball in the centre of that empty room, burying his nose into sheets that no longer smelled of anything but dust and empty space, silent tears running down his face even after sleep had claimed him.

 

The Doctor started awake, hand half raised as Rose Tyler blinked out of existence. The Angel's touch trapping her in a forbidden decade of New York history. Gone forever. Again. Her voice still rang in his ears, far off and distant, exactly as he remembered it.

"Doctor?"

So close.

"Doctor!"

A bit too close…

Running a hand through his tangled hair he tried to blink away the delusions of sleep, the sheets of Rose Tyler's bed still warm against his belly.

"You there? Doctor!"

But it couldn't be sleep. That- He attempted to twist around to the door, blinking in utter confusion. And fell reeling to the floor. Scrabbling quickly upright he strained his ears. He could hear muffled steps, the muted clank of feet against the metal and glass of the console floor.

"River?" He hazarded, taking another swipe at his bangs. He didn't expect a reply and he wasn't disappointed. His heart thundering guiltily in his chest the Doctor forced himself to the door, offering the room one last caress farewell. Knowing he could never return, knowing his mangled hearts would never survive it. "Lock it up old girl. For good this time." He tried to look admonishing only to manage a blank sadness. The Tardis gave a soft whir and he heard the lock click. Hanging his head and fighting the sudden onslaught of broken regret he went to find out who was in his Tardis.

{_]

"Hello? Someone there?" He trotted up the ramp, a mangled smile pushing up the corners of his mouth. "Is that you R-" The false cheer melted from his face, the bottom fell out of his stomach, his heart leaped up into his throat, and tears he didn't know he had left burned at the back of his eyes. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't speak, he couldn't wrap his mind around the delusion in front of him. The weight of three hundred years of yearning and loneliness fell against his shoulders, nearly toppling him to his knees.

Because there she was. Where he would never see her again. Should never see her again. Could never see her again. Not unless the universe was burning. She hadn't seen him yet; she was looking around the console room, frowning, a set of slim yellow headphones covering her ears. Exactly as he remembered her. That familiar jean jacket, bright swishy skirt, knee length boots; slightly scuffed about the toes, her hair, her gorgeous beautiful, blonde hair; still smelling warmly of coconut done up in a pair of pigtails like he'd never told her he loved. His Rose.

He wanted to speak, wanted to draw her head around and get swept up by those rich, chocolate brown eyes, so filled with joy and compassion and life! God he'd missed those eyes, the dimples her smiles caused, that tongue in teeth smile that never failed to put a grin on his face. But he didn't want to ruin it. To break the illusion and find out that she wasn't there at all, that his mind had started playing the games he thought he'd left behind in his tenth body. That it was nothing more than a daydream.

He gulped, attempting to raise an arm to give his hair another anxious tug, his knuckles knocked against the railing. The quiet clang ricocheting through the silence. He watched Rose jump, spinning to look at him, pushing the headphones from her ears, half a smile already formed on her face, until she saw him standing there.

"Oh."

The little sound of disappointment nearly broke him, his hearts tripping around in his chest as their pieces clattered to the bottom of his ribcage. Neither spoke for what felt like an eternity to the Time Lord, though it was closer to 18 seconds, and then a fluttering smile found its way back onto Rose's face and she took a tentative step forward.

"Hello."

The Doctor's mouth opened for the fraction of a moment and then slowly slid closed again. Rose reached up to twirl her fingers through the bangs overshadowing her eyes, teeth tugging at her lip. The Doctor watched avidly, starting to feel the trembles running through him.

"Sorry. I don't mean to be rude 'er anythin' but… who are you?" She looked at him in concern, her teeth still sunk into her lip as her hand kept the hair from her face. One of the Doctor's fingers twitched but it seemed to be the only movement he was capable of.

"Righ'… are you alrigh'? You 'spose to be in here? I mean, does the Doctor know yer' here?" She gave him a moment to answer. He didn't. Though he did manage to blink. Which she thought might have been an improvement. She took another small step towards him, casting a glance down one of the main archways, the concern never leaving her face. Going as close as she seemed to dare she studied him, tilting her head this way and that, taking in his shock wide eyes and still chest. "However you got here must have givin' you one hell of a scare, hey?" She smiled a little wider, her tongue between her teeth and his gut twisted painfully. "Seem harmless enough. You alrigh'?"She reached a hand to touch him and only then did the Doctor recover his ability to move, twisting away from her outstretched limb with a strangled choking noise.

For the second time that day he became the enemy of gravity and fell flailing wildly with many an inarticulate noise down the ramp. Landing splayed at the bottom, standing up again with all the swiftness and dignity of an insulted cat. Rose stood unmoved, gawping down at him and fighting not to burst into a fit of the giggles. Rallying his pride and wishing for his bow-tie and his tweed, he leveled Rose the best Oncoming Storm look he could muster.

Because that couldn't be Rose. Of course it couldn't. It couldn't. No matter how much he wished it was, no matter how much it looked, and acted, and  _ smelled  _ like Rose it could never,  _ ever,  _ be her. It was just the universe, having another go at him, taking another piece of him and demanding more. Because that couldn't be her. And if it wasn't her, that meant it was something else. And since it was him, it wasn't something nice. He didn't want to think what it could be, didn't want to look at Rose, the woman he- didn't want to see the face he'd been missing and craving and dreaming of for longer than he dared to remember, and have to think of… dreaming it was bad enough, dreaming it was worse. Worse than anything he'd suffered through, no matter how many times it happened, no matter how often… every nightmare scraped at him, hollowed him out a little more until he wasn't sure there was any of the goodness she'd built in him left. Didn't know how far the charade had gone, until he was fooling himself. Didn't know if there was any of the madman in a box he professed to be truly inside him, or if it was all simply a thin veneer to fool himself into thinking he wasn't the broken soldier he had been when he'd first met her. That he was better now. That he still remembered how to be the good guy.

Scraping together his resolve he stalked up the ramp, fighting to keep his glower fixed, barging as close to her- it, as he dared. The scent of tropics, and chips grease, and tea wafted around him, threatening to loosen his muscles and tempting him with lungful after lungful of sweet smelling air. Rose watched him with a wary eye, raising one arched brow.

"Who are you? How did you get here?" He watched both her eyebrows jump to her hairline, swallowing softly as anger flushed her face, and her eyes snapped and sparked.

"I asked first." She retorted calmly, crossing her arms and pulling her face into a familiar scowl.

"No. No. You don't get to play these games! Not with her, not today! Now tell me what you are." He refused to touch her. It. Every second tested his restraint.

"Look mate, I don't know who you think you are but if the Doctor finds you in 'ere-"

"I  _ am _ the Doctor." He kept his voice low and dangerous, his back painfully straight. Her face twisted in confusion, his muscles jumped desperate to touch her, soothe her.

"No…" Her voice was slow. "You can't be. I was just with him. He can't have regenerated. There's nothing that dangerous on the Tardis." She backed away from him, her eyes tracing every line of the console room. Her hands tangled in her hair, she fretted at her lip.

"Don't play with me." He forced a menacing step. "Tell me who you are!"

She turned back to him, her eyes flashing in defiance.

"If you were the Doctor you'd know who I am. But you can't  _ be  _ the Doctor because I was just talking to 'im, so who are ya? How'd you get into the Tardis, and what've you done to 'er?"

"I am the Doctor, this is my Tardis, and I really don't appreciate monsters popping on board and impersonating my friends! So, either you tell me who you are and what you want, or you pop off again. But whatever you are I am warning you, if you don't change out of Rose's face right now, I won't be responsible for what happens next."

They stared at each other without a word, the Doctor radiating angry defiance, the thing that couldn't be Rose blank with shock. The thing that wasn't Rose was the first to move, walking up to him slowly, while he fought the instinct to lash out or pull her close. She kept coming closer and closer until he could see the uncertain tears in her eyes. He wavered. She drew in a shuddering breath, her hand coming up into the peripheral of his vision before resting gently against his cheek. He flinched. He almost broke.

"Doctor?" Her breath fanned across his face and he shuddered, leaned toward her, failed to tear himself away. Something that sounded like a sob found a way from her throat, and her other hand came up to cradle his jaw. "Oh God, Doctor." Her fingertips dug into his skin, her scent assailed his nose, her presence crawled its way into the hole in his chest. He was so close. So close to breaking and crushing her into his chest. To tearing away from reality and reveling in the dream attempting to ensnare him. "What happened to you?" She shook her head, horror struck her features and she stumbled back. "What happened to me? Why can't I be here?"

The fear in her eyes undid him, he broke at last, not caring if he was dreaming or crazy. Only caring that Rose was there in front of him, within arm's reach and for this moment he didn't have to be separated from her. He could touch her and hold her and God why hadn't he done it sooner?

Rose let out a small squeak of surprise as his arms wrapped around her and he crushed her into his chest. Burying his face into the blonde locks of her hair, and breathing in the scent he had been missing for too long. He could feel her heart drumming against her chest, her strong frail human heart hammering the rhythm he had memorized so long ago against his ribs. She was here. Here. With him. And he would never let her go again. He didn't care if it was a dream. He was never waking up.

 

He takes her to the library. It’s easier to see her here. Sequestered amidst creased paperbacks and overstuffed cushions. In a place she’s been before, like he never lost her. Like the last three centuries have been a dream or a nightmare and he’s just been waiting to wake up. The Tardis makes tea. Puts it on a little table between them with a platter of Jammy Dodgers. He makes her a cup, exactly how she likes it, because how could he forget? Pretends his hands aren’t shaking as he hands it to her. Her soft ‘thanks’ the only word either of them had spoken since his murmurs of her name had finally tapered off. He flashes her a smile, tries to ignore the way his hearts jump and his ears burn. Stares for too long and than distracts himself with making his own cup. She gives a little snort after the fourth teaspoon of sugar goes in. 

“Gonna have some tea with that sugar Doctor?” He glanced up at her tongue in teeth smile, not quite as full as it might have been once. Eyes still guarded, taking him in. He shoots her a daft smile of his own, flailing his spoon in an attempt at a twirl and scattering sugar granule across the table.

“I might do.” 

She giggles, the noise making his insides dance, and he adds a last heaping spoonful, before bringing the cup to his mouth, taking an overlarge gulp and regretting it as the boiling liquid burned down his throat. He leaped up, fanning at his mouth and trying not to drop his mug, Rose’s laughter making him feel heady and foolish- which he is foolish- not for the tea- but for ever letting her slip away. And maybe also for the tea. 

“You alright?” Rose asks as he manages to cool his mouth and flop back into his seat, tea sloshing hot and ignored over his fingers. 

“Yeah.” He smiles at her again and they get caught like that for awhile, Rose looking shy and the Doctor just looking, staring, hardly daring to blink. His hands are shaking again. He’s not sure they ever stopped. There’s a conversation stretching out between them, just waiting for the words to get spoken out loud but he won’t risk it. He’s not sure he could. His tongue feels swollen and unwieldy. Rose looks away first and it hurts, hurts like satellite 5, and Marie Antoinette’s fireplace. Like a great distance between them that he can’t close. Not like Bad Wolf Bay- not nearly as bad as that- but at the same time so much worse. Rose stirs her tea and he forces himself to watch her hands so he won’t keep watching her face. She teetering on the edge of something, each movement slow and deliberate, careful. He waits. He’s been waiting for her for three hundred years even if he didn’t know it, what’s a few more moments of eternity? 

“Where am I?” 

It’s not the question he was expecting- he thinks maybe it should be.

“You’re on the Tardis, she’s just changed a bit is all, regenerated like me.” He spreads his arms for her to look, wishing he was dressed properly, realizing in a disconnected way that his clothes are now in her bedroom, and tries not to let the thought make him flush. 

“Tha’s not what I meant.” He deflates a bit. Pokes at his tea and scrubs at his hair and doesn’t say ‘I know’ even though he does. He doesn’t need too. “Doctor…” He doesn’t miss the waiver in her voice, the tears hanging at the edge. He would do anything to keep her from crying. Anything but admit he was stupid enough to lose her. So he deflects, he’s good at that.

“Actually, that’s not a bad question. Where  _ were  _ you?” He gets up and paces around her, clips his shaking hands to his lapels and squeezes hard. He juts out his chin and pulls out his sonic and makes a show of being nosey, even as he learns nothing. 

“What’d you mean?” She twists to follow him, blonde hair brushing her eyes and he wants so badly to reach out and tuck it away behind her ear. He studies the sonic instead, shooting her considering looks over the top of the long device. 

“You were in the Tardis, but where? When? How’d you get here?” 

“Dunno.” She sank into the cushions, a little crease between her brows that he wants to kiss away. “I was just wanderin’. You were tinkerin’ with the console and I di’nt wanna get in the way.” She gives her tea a stir and he notices that she’s drank none of it seemingly content to just hold the warmth between her hands. “So I had a bit of a walk and when I went back everything looked different, including you.” She gives him a cheeky look that’s a little broken around the edges. 

“And you didn’t notice anything? Any noises? Or lights?” He drops down in front of her, almost daring to take her hands and catching himself at the last moment. “Think Rose, this could be important.” 

She studies him instead, with wet eyes that pierce through his own, leaning past him to set her mug on the table, her fingers sliding across his knuckles in a way his hadn’t yet dared. Her skin burns against his, he’s finally stopped shaking but he doesn’t think he can move either. One of her hands comes up to brush along his jaw and he flinches even though he wants nothing more than to lean into her touch. 

“Why are you alone Doctor?” 

 

They’re going to Venus. Rose is here, and she shouldn’t be, and it’s possible the universe will explode soon, which would be pretty awful really, but Rose is HERE. And while she is he’s going to keep his promise and take her to see the Fire Birds and drink champagne and wear heels that are tall enough to be dangerous. Because he can- because she’s here- and he’s not going to let the opportunity go to waste. She can’t wear the dress- the one with sequins that flash like moonlight- because it's locked away in her bedroom with his shoes and his brown jacket and he can’t let her in without showing her too much. He can’t retrieve his clothes either. So he sends her to find something else and he digs up a jacket for himself that’s more purple and formal and a bowtie that’s black but still  _ cool,  _ he knows Rose will think so. She’s the best his Rose. 

He sets the coordinates on the Tardis, and his hands are still shaking, but he’s smiling, can’t stop that either, and he’s not quite humming, but he can feel his mouth tingling to try it and he thinks this is it. This is the universe letting him be happy for a moment. And it’s wonderful and terrifying and heartbreaking all at once. Because it can’t last. He can almost feel it slipping away. Because Rose  _ is  _ here, but she can’t  _ stay.  _ He knows she can’t stay. Exploding universe and all that. But he gets this and that’s more than he’d ever dared for before and he tells himself it will be enough even though it never will. So he sets the coordinates with hands that shake and a mouth that won’t stop grinning and waits for Rose to come back because there is nothing better than careening around the console with Rose Tyler, laughter bubbling and arms brushing, all that joy and contact, the smell of her and the weight of her as close to him as he dares to let her. 

She does comes back eventually, with a mouth that’s smiling almost as much as his, hair done up high on her head in a way that reminds him of something painful and long ago, but he can’t quite place what it is. She beams at him and her heels click on the glass floor and she twirls as soon as she sees him, arms held out and sequins flashing around her knees, so young and beautiful. His hearts stop to see her like this. 

“Well? What’d’ya think?” Her tongue in teeth smile is out in full force all the reservations gone from her eyes. He beams, looking at her flushed face and letting his eyes slide down to the hem of her dress to fast to get caught. 

“Rose Tyler you are-” His eyes slide over the dress again, sequins winking at him like a secret. 

“Yeah?” Rose skips a step closer, her skirt sashaying around her. 

“...where did you get that?” 

“Wot?” She looks down her own body, trying to follow his line of sight. “The dress?” 

He jerks his head in a nod. Because it is the dress, the one that should be hanging on a loo door in a locked room, kept free of dust by the grace of a time machine. 

“I found it.” She starting to look worried, and he doesn’t want her to, but there’s something… something in his head that’s slipping away, something that presses that presses against his brain and his hearts and he just doesn’t understand…

“Where?” 

Rose flickers, or maybe he’s just blinking too fast. She suddenly seems very far away. 

“In the wardrobe, why? Should I take it off?” 

He doesn’t let that thought catch in his brain, blinks past it and at the dress. It’s just a dress. It’s possible the Tardis’ had more than one. Or that she moved it to the wardrobe for Rose to find. It doesn’t need to be sinister- how could it? It’s Rose and the Tardis. And Rose  _ in  _ the Tardis, which could only ever be a good thing. 

“Doctor? You alrigh’?” 

“I’m…” He looks at her and she’s there and real and watching him with worry in her eyes and a soft expression on her face, not a single false line to be seen. He swallows down something like doubt or terror, or some mixture of the two, rubs a hand through his eyes and blinks his vision clear and… and maybe he was wrong. Maybe it is a different dress. It seems darker suddenly, fuller, less showy. Rose peers up at him, long blonde hair falling to her shoulders and seeming to blow in some soft wind. 

“Doctor?” 

He’s just paranoid. Old and broken and seeing things that aren’t there. 

“I’m fine. Course I am. I’ve got you.” He smiled at her and she smiled at him, and it was easy again. His hearts settled again and his hands shivered against the Tardis console. “So! Venusian Fire Birds, eh? Let’s go.” He slammed down a lever and they were off, the Doctor and Rose in the Tardis, and if his moment of happiness had passed- well. He had only asked for a moment. 

 

He takes her to Venus and it’s exactly what he always dreamed it would be. He takes her down to one of the blue sand beaches, the sky stretching out in front of them pitch black save for the stars, sets up a blanket that’s huge and plush, and a picnic with fine Venusian champagne, that he ends up spitting across the sand, and little cakes and chocolates that he eats too much of. And Rose laughs and wipes frosting from his chin, sitting close and leaning her body into his. The air fills with music and shouts of joy as the Fire Birds emerge into the sky, wings like trails of smoke flashing across the restless water in hues of red and magenta and gold. Rose stares in awe and shoots him a smile so wide it’s breathtaking. He links their hands and squeezes hard and it’s perfect. So perfect. ...too perfect? 

He tries to ignore it. The itchy crawling pressure slithering up his back. This is what he’d wanted. A quiet night. Just him and Rose. And he had that. There wasn’t another soul on the beach. Which… he glanced about, the flat cerulean shore seeming to stretch an impossible distance in both directions. Not a Venusian to be seen despite the crowds they’d wandered through earlier. Their picnic lay in front, the taste of the sweets still lingering in his mouth and Rose rested beside him, hair moving in a wind he couldn’t feel and… hadn’t her hair been up earlier? He’s sure it had. Her hand suddenly feel impossibly light in his, like if he squeezed to hard it would pass through the creases. His heart is leaping with something that isn’t joy and his hands would shake if they weren’t so tightly wrapped in her own. 

“Rose?-” 

“Thank you Doctor.” Her smile is angelic and her eyes so soulful. She squeezes his fingers and her’s don’t disappear. “This’s been...Fantastic.” her nose wrinkles with her smile as she leans into him harder, solid and real against his shoulder, her mouth coming tantalizingly close to his own, like an invitation. He blinks at her soft pink smile. Blinks again as her thumb brushes his lip. Chocolate eyes dancing up and down his face, so close now he can smell the champagne on her breath. He should stop- she’s maybe drunk and he’s… he’s maybe more crazy than he thinks. But he wants this. Oh he wants this. He tips forward slowly, till their noses bump, lips not quite touching and-

There’s an ear splitting sound and they both lurch to their feet. There’s a shape in the sky that’s almost like a moon, but moving too fast and trailing too much smoke. It blows through the Fire Birds, scattering them across the sky- a neon green tractorbeam arcing out to catch a few and draw them into the ship. 

The Doctor frowns and glances at the watch resting against the underside of his wrist, but it’s dark and blurry and he can’t make out the face. Still. 

“This shouldn’t be happening.” He has to yell just to hear his own voice over the din of the ship. 

“Why not? Haven’t people poached the Fire Birds before?” 

“Well yes, once, but I was already there! I stopped it! To be here again, now, would mean I’ve crossed my own timeline and the Tardis- what did you say?” 

“What?” 

“You said- how- how did you know? That they were poachers.” 

“Aren’t they?” 

“Yes, of course they are, but how did you know? You can’t have known. They could’ve been anything- they- they could be researchers! Or- or Fire Bird...medical...unit. There could be a Fire Bird emergency!” He gripped her hand tight, staring down into wide-blown eyes. “How did you  _ know?”  _

She tugged at his grip, looking panicky. 

“Doctor, you’re hurtin’ me.” 

“Rose… are you real?” 

 

“Wot?” She stopped tugging, though her fingers wiggled, begging for release. “Yeah. Yeah I am, course I am, Doctor it’s me. It’s Rose.” She suddenly squeezed his hand back just as tight, tighter, till his knuckles throbbed with it. “Come on. Let’s go back to the Tardis, yeah? Let’s go home.” 

He let her lead him. Followed her through streets that seemed too calm and empty, the noise of the ship oddly muted and far away. Everything seemed very far away. Even Rose was like a shadow, edges blurring into the background, eyes sparkling but not quite as familiar as they had once felt. She kept up a litany of coaxing words, but they were garbled, like maybe the Tardis Translation Circuit needed repairing. Maybe that was it. Maybe it all just needed repairing. 

He doesn’t remember how they get to the Tardis, one moment he is following Rose down a street paved with volcanic rock and the next they are standing in the console room, Rose peering into his face, her hands cupping his jaw. 

“You alrigh’ Doctor?” 

She seemed so like Rose. Her brown eyes, her blonde hair, the worry line between her brows, even the callouses on her palms. It had to be Rose. Of course it was. Of course. So why? Why did he feel… He grasped her wrists softly, bringing her arms down and holding them to his chest, watching the worry in her eyes and the teeth at her lip. 

“How did we get here Rose?” 

“What’d’ya mean? You brought us ‘ere.” There were tears forming at the edges of her eyes but he ignored them. Ignored the way they made his hearts clench. 

“No, I don’t mean… What happened to the library Rose?” 

“Wot?” 

“The library. We were talking and then… then we weren’t.” She shook her head and he pulled her closer. “How did you get here Rose? How- how are you here when you shouldn’t be? Why isn’t there a- a- a- hole! Like Belgium in the space-time continuum? And why can’t I stop shaking?” There are tears falling from his eyes and he can’t stop them, Rose is staring at him like she did before he regenerated the first time. Sad and afraid and not really sure why. “Please Rose. I don’t understand.” 

“Doctor-” 

He blinks and his hands clench and she’s gone. Just gone. Disappearing like a faded memory, her hands slipping from his own- a weeping angel standing where she should have been with a smirk on it’s face. 

“RO-”

 

“-OSE!” The Doctor jerks awake, body shooting upright, hands reaching for something that has never been there. 

Rose’s bedroom stretches out around him, serene and undisturbed by his shouting. His neck feels naked and his socks look grey in the low light. He wiggles his toes, just to feel them move. Strains his ears for the sounds of shoes on glass and hears nothing but the double pulse of his own heart. He blinks slowly, feeling the tear as it slips down his cheek, reaching up to touch the wetness that’s gathered there. A dream. Just a dream, but nothing,  _ nothing _ like one. His mind feels used and achy, the Tardis strangely quiet in the silence that echoes around him. Almost like… like… He flings himself from the bed, gathers up his clothes and marches through the door. He dresses as he goes, until his shoes are the only thing left in his hands as he enters the console room. 

“Did you do this? Eh?” he pounds up the ramp. The Tardis lights flicker, confident and unashamed. “Why?” He keeps his voice clipped and angry, cause if he doesn’t he’ll cry, and he’s not sure he’ll stop. “What was the point?” his shoes thud on the floor as he leans towards the rotor, his fingers white knuckled on the edge of the console. The Tardis makes a noise like rebuke. “And what was that supposed to prove? I can’t have her! You know I can’t so  _ why?... Of course  _ I want- it doesn’t matter! No! I can’t just pop in and pick her up, and even if I could, who's to say she would even want me?” The Tardis lights flash. “No, there is no way that I can… Rose is gone!” His anger drains out of him, and he might have crumpled without the Tardis to hold him up, he folds over anyway, pressing his head amidst the buttons. “Rose has been gone for a long time. And we can’t change that.” 

 

He avoids people. He flees to Victorian London, gets rid of his bow-tie and his trusty tweed jacket, and hides himself away on the clouds. Amy’s plea is still ringing in his ears.  _ Don’t be alone. Don’t be alone. Don’t be alone.  _ But he can’t bear it. Can’t bear the thought of someone else after the Ponds, after Rose… He puts as much distance as he can between himself and humans. Vastra keeps her eye on him, tries to coax him down with mysteries and riddles, and at another time it might have worked. He might have dared to try again. But he’s old and broken and paranoid and he couldn’t bear it if he failed. And he always will. He knows that. Has always known that. Because how can you win when you’re fighting something as inevitable as loss? 

So he runs away, retires. Doesn’t bother with time or space or people, or even the Tardis really. She clears out all the color and light of his life with the Ponds, fills herself with sleek lines and grey tones, like penance, or maybe a prison. And of course he loves her, he could never not love his Old Girl. But he puts the brake on, literally, parks her on a cloud and keeps her there, with the universe still calling for them. Because he’s done now. He won’t do it again. He won’t let himself break anymore. And if that means he’s more broken than ever before well… it’s hardly a surprise. 

He does a good job, of withdrawing. Of being grumpy and cantankerous and ignoring everything beyond his own head. Until her. Clara Oswald and her demon snowmen. She pulls at him. Tantalizing like a dream. So familiar, yet so unknown, until he has no choice but to follow in her wake. Until he’s giving her a piece of his hearts without realizing, until his hopes have started to build. And than fall, like snow, crashing like broken ice all around him. 

He goes to her funeral. Stares at her headstone and his mind spins. Because there were two of her. Two Claras. And he hadn’t known. But it makes his mind jump to think of it now. Two Claras. Like copies. Except… except they hadn’t been had they? They’d each had their own life, their own destiny… And he wants to find her. Wants to find her and unravel her and all her mysteries. But his mind is stuck. Stuck on the thought of  _ two _ . Two of the same things, the same people, each individual from the other, capable of living different lives but made up of the same material. Two Claras...two Amys… two Rivers even… His mind is spinning so fast with the thought of something, but he just can’t pin it down. 

Two Claras. Two Amys. Two Doctors. The same people. Fundamentally the same. But split in two… like a clone...like a metacrisis. It hits him like punch to the gut, he can barely breathe with it. And than he’s off, he hears Vastra call after him, hears himself say ‘To find Clara’. And he is. But first… First he’s going to get Rose. 

 

He has to time it right. He knows he does. He wracks his brain to remember. To remember exactly  _ when  _ he needs to go- but the Tardis knows. The Tardis takes him, each  _ thrum  _ of her rotor filled with excitement and glee. She knows what he needs, she always has. She takes him to the park, on that last day, with the Tardis full of people and Donna full of memories, parks herself inside herself in a way that would be difficult to deal with if it hadn’t already happened and he sneaks out into familiar corridors he hasn’t seen for far too long. He can hear her. Louder than anyone else, though she certainly hadn’t been. Laughing and happy and unaware that he’s about to ruin it. He waits until everyone is distracted, even him, to sneak out. He’s amazed they don’t see him, and suspects the Tardis may be helping, she’s put the door right behind Rose. He pats a wall in thanks. 

Rose doesn’t see him, staring out at her friends and family, new and old, her back turned to him. He creeps up behind her, hardly daring to breathe. He reaches out with steady hands, making sure all eyes are turned from them, and wraps his hands around her waist, yanking her back into the dark. She yelps in surprise and he claps a hand to her mouth as gently as he can. He maybe didn’t think this bit through as much as he should have...

“Rose. Rose!” He doesn’t dare to do more than whisper, pressing her to the wall and praying she’ll listen. “Listen! Please! It’s me! I know I don’t look like me but I promise I am. It’s me Rose, the Doctor, and I really shouldn’t be here.” 

She wrenches his hand from her mouth and he cringes, waiting for a scream. It doesn’t come. He peeks at her through one eye and she’s staring at him, flushed and not quite trusting. And how,  _ how,  _ had he ever believed that that dream could be true when it hadn’t done her justice at all? How could he not remember that she was so beautiful? Even watching him like he might be a threat, even pressed into a wall not quite afraid, so gorgeous, his Rose. And she will be. His Rose Tyler, for as long of an eternity as he can get.

“Rose?” He can hear the begging in his voice but he doesn’t care. He would do worse than beg for her. 

“What’re you doin’ here? How’d you get here?” 

His hearts nearly fly from his chest because she believes him! He’d pulled her into the darkness like a kidnapper and she believed him! He sagged into her, pressing his face into the hollow of her throat, flinching when she goes stiff and pulling back in a hurry. 

“Sorry. Sorry, it’s just...I’ve missed you.” He offers her half a smile, and she returns it, eyes thawing a bit. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” He stares at her for a bit, until someone in the console- who sounds like Jackie, and doesn’t that just make his cheek ache- says Rose’s name and he starts. “Right! Bit of a time schedule- listen Rose, I shouldn’t be here, I really shouldn’t. But I can’t lose you.”  _ Again.  _

“Why’d you lose me? I’m ‘ere aren’t I? I’m not leavin’.” She squares her shoulders and he can’t help but grin at the set of her jaw. 

“Oh Rose, I wish I had time to explain, I want to, I will, but for now, I need you to trust me. Please.” 

This time she stared at him before nodding slowly.

“Alright. I trust you Doctor.” 

His hearts jumped and he pressed a kiss to one of her palms. 

“Follow me.” 

 

He takes her to his Tardis, drags her behind him with his hearts in his throat and does his best to explain, about the Metacrisis Doctor and leaving her on Bad Wolf Bay a second time. He blushes bright pink as he explains the kiss and Rose looks like if she weren’t so furious she’d be laughing at him. 

“How could you do that to me Doctor? After everything?” The tears in her eyes are angry ones, but her chin wobbles with something that isn’t fury and he hates himself a little bit more as he gathers her to his chest, crushing her against his ribs and burying his nose in her hair.

“I know, I’m an idiot, I’m sorry. I’m trying to fix it, please, please Rose…” He presses a kiss to her brow because he just can’t help it. “Help me fix it.” 

“What’d you need me to do?” 

He presses another kiss to her hair before he pulls away. 

“He left you with a clone. We’re going to do the same.” 

 

“How’dyou mean?” she follows him around the console as he inputs coordinates, shooting worried glances at the door. 

“The Flesh.” 

“The wot?” 

“It’s a sort of… human-y skin clone thing… very advanced. It’ll even do a Time Lord if it's got enough welly in it.”

“Sounds a bit gross.” 

“No...well maybe, but don’t tell it that, wouldn’t want to get it upset.” He shoots her a smile, trying to ignore how empty his hands feel. 

“So what, you’re gonna make a clone of me?” 

“We are, yes.” 

“And it won’t mind that, this flesh thing?” He wants to kiss her right then. He doesn’t. 

“No. I don’t think so as long as we ask nicely.” He twists the last dial, eager to be off, but he waits. Because there are important bits he hasn’t told her and he won’t do this without her full approval. 

“And than what? How’d we explain why there’s suddenly two of me?” 

“Ah…” This is the important bit. “There wouldn’t be two of you. Just one…. You couldn’t go back Rose.” He watches her carefully. “Not to him. No, we would send the Flesh Clone back, and she would go to Pete’s world and you…” He swallows and looks at his shoes, twisting his hands and not daring to look at her. “You would stay… with me.” He waits but she doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t scream, doesn’t laugh. Doesn’t leave. He risks looking up. She’s waiting for him. 

“With you?” 

“Yes.” He takes a half step closer, wants to take two steps back, doesn’t. “With me.” 

She takes a step herself, licking her lips and his eyes can’t help but track the movement. 

“And him… will he be alright? You, be alright, I mean. The old you.” 

He’s not sure what to say. Doesn’t want to lie. Isn’t sure if he should dare the truth. Can’t risk anything but. 

“No. No he isn’t. Not really.” 

She blinks wet eyes, breathes a shuddering breath. 

“And I really… really can’t stay with ‘im?” Her lips tremble for a moment, she covers them with her hand. 

“No...you can’t.” He hangs his head. “I’m sorry. It’s a fixed point, I can’t...there’s nothing else I can do…” She sniffles, wipes at her eyes and her nose and looks at his Tardis, rubs a thumb along the console. 

“Will it work? I mean, won’t he know? That it isn’t… isn’t human? Or is it human?” 

“No. No, I can personally assure you that he won’t know. As for the ‘human’ bit, well, that’s… complicated.” 

Rose nods and they stand for a bit in silence. The Doctor fights the urge to touch her. 

“We don’t have to do this Rose…” It's painful to say, the words like glass in his mouth, but he presses on. “If you want you can go back out there, I won’t stop you.” He’d want to. But he wouldn’t. 

“It wouldn’t help though. He’d just leave me, at least this way…” she flushes, pink and yellow and beautiful. “At least this way I get to keep you, right Doctor?” 

“Yes.” He takes another shambling step towards her, fighting the urge to bury his fingers in her hair, to… He holds himself steady, hardly breathing. 

“And you won’t leave me.” She’s crying, no anger in her tears this time. “You promise you won’t leave me?” 

“Oh, Rose.” He takes her face in his hands, wipes the water from under her eyes and rests his head against hers, her arms slipping around his waist and holding tight. “I promise. I promise.” He presses a kiss to each of her cheeks. “Rose Tyler I will never leave you again. I swear.” He presses his mouth to hers in the barest of kisses and she surges up to meet it, 

catches her hands in his hair, pulling him down, deepening the kiss into something that’s desperate and slow and tastes of salt. He pulls her in as close as he can, anchoring his fingers at her hips. Eventually Rose pulls away, gasping, their lips still brushing as they breathe. The Doctor reaches up and entwines one of their hands, bringing it to his mouth and kissing the knuckles as he stares into chocolate brown eyes he had given up on seeing again. 

“You’re stuck with me Rose. Forever.” 

“Good.” 

 

END

  
  


Epilogue

 

Forever turns out to be far longer than either one of them hoped for. And yes. Rose likes the bow-tie. 


	2. Chapter 2

Just to clear up some stuff, 

Rose lives forever, because Bad Wolf. 

The Flesh Rose goes and lives with the Metacrisis and nobody is any the wiser. 

I don't know how the Doctor gets Flesh!Rose back onto the Tardis either lol. 

Please comment...please...

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! I live for comments!


End file.
